Something i discovered

Friendship often ends in love... Love in friendship never ends...

You know someone long enough and are comfortable with his doesn't mean you love him...

A mistake

i feel guilty for whatever happened till now... looks different today... I am a cheapo, man!!

How can I think of him this way? He is my best friend... and i feel i have betrayed a trust by having such feelings for him!

i didn't say that I love him... i still do... rather much more than the past... But, I needn't pair us... i love him as a friend and the story must end there...

As i look back at this blog and i realize that i love him as a person and not as an affair-material!

We both are attached to a great extent... but we have different expectations from our life partners... and why shouldn't we?

My funda in life has always been - for loving a person, all i need is understanding... now experience contradicts me... I can love any person, but I cannot see everyone in the place of my life partner... There are many aspects to a commitment...

People say, love is blind... Rascals!! It's infatuation that is blind! If you get your eyes fixed after infatuation, you will find love...

I will be miserable without him... He is someone I enjoy being with... I am fond of his company... I enjoying doing stuff with him... I admire him... I'm addicted to him... I can't live without him... We are emotionally very proximate... But, this isn't love... This is bonding... This is the depth of a friendship...

Now that i am clear with the going ons between us, i consider this blog as a fresh and new one...

A year has past

Funny eh? Writing exactly after a year...

Not that my feelings have evaporated or degraded... i feel the absolute same way about him... He's still my largest crush... It's almost two and a half year now... Feeling the same amount of attraction to a boy for such a long span should be something... Deep love sounds too dramatic...

He has has one more girl in his life after I last wrote... and, even i ain't single... which is the reason for me writing today...

I think I'm somehow betraying my guy... cuz, though i am technically with my guy, I still have softs for this idiot! I dream about a future with him... i know it's practically impossible to go out with him now... but i keep thinking of him...

I have been having more in depth conversations with him... It's beautiful... to look at him... to be with him... to talk to him... the more I am with him, more is the desire to own him... Sounds crazy, yea!

I don't trust myself... I have had so many varied crushes... so many perspectives... i should have got over him by now!

Our first fight

This had to happen...

I forced him to come to the picnic... He didn't... Okie!

Reason? He had to submit some stuppid assignment! Well, he could have done it anyhow, but understandable!

Next day, I tell him about the fun we had and that i missed him... No much reaction... What followed?

Him: You meeting my girl friend today?

Me: Maybe, donno!

Him: Why?

Me: She hasn't still called up.

Him: OK!

Me: You meeting me today?

Him: (again)Is she meeting you?

Me: No, I think, we'll meet tomorrow!

Him: If you're meeting her, we'll meet up, is she meeting you? (YET AGAIN!!)

Me: OK

Him: Then, we aren't meeting.

WTF!!! If you have to meet her, why get me involved?

I always thought I had a different importance in his life. I didn't wanted to lose the place.

It's perfectly fine that he spends all his time with her...It's absolutely OK if he brings her along when we meet... It's understandable that he wants company when he wants to meet her... But, to hell with him if he wants me just because she's coming here to meet me and he wants to join...

The reason for him not attending the picnic was definitely not the assignment... I knew it, just didn't raise an issue... His girlfriend came in and told me the reason is something very different... i got pissed off... but I didn't reflect it... Yes, she is his girlfriend and he can tell her things that he wouldn't want to tell me...

He didn't talk to me for days... Even when we were together... He didn't stop me from being angry at him... He knew he could just casually start a conversation and things would come back to normal... But he didn't...

My friends ask me, 'Wazza matter?'... His girlfriend asks me, 'You in a cold war or something?' His friends ask me, 'You guys had a fight?'

I know he wants to solve the matter as well... But i don't know what's his problem! I ain't goina show that I'm desperate to solve it. Let me see him struggle. And if he ain't goina try, friendship kaa raam naam satya hai!!

Some questions and a prayer...

Sometimes i wonder, why do i never have a PROBLEM with him? I have a problem with all my friends. Why do i never fight with him? Why do i feel so secure and complete in his friendship? And the answer pops up... Because I don't have any expectations from him. I feel he is good enough.

Then a question arises, why do I not expect anything from him? It's not wrong to expect a few things from him. My ponderance takes me to another answer... because I feel he does everything he can... He's there when I need him...

Now the question is, Why do i need him? Why do I prefer him to my other friends? Hmmm... Simple! Firstly, because I'm me when I am with him... Secondly, he likes me the way i am... and lastly, because I feel i wouldn't want anything more than talking and listening to him...

I pray to God, give me a day less to live than him, so that i wouldn't feel the pain of missing him... But if loves me more than I love him, give him one day less than me, so that he wouldn't grieve my absence...

Finding a meaning...

I don't intend to have an affair with him... Because i know it will last shorter... He'll never understand the depth with which i love him... For me, loving him is seeing him happy and not expecting anything in return...

Whenever I think of us together, I expect a much mature love from him... maybe like my parents have in between them... I see myself feeding him while he is working... I see myself crying out to him when I'm in trouble... I see myself encouraging him when he has faced failure... I see us having arguments over silly things...

The friendship we have is going so smoothly (touch wood)... that i sometimes think I'm crazy to think beyond limits... But, I didn't decide to fall for him... I just tripped...

I hope i get what's destined for me... If this is infatuation, good that I have and can have control on myself... If it's love, maybe something will brew up in the future... But, it's a no-no for an affair right now...

If I don't tell you now

I kept it inside
For the longest time
And I can't keep keeping it
All this love that's
Inside of my heart
Maybe it's safer not
To say that I care
Maybe this road won't
Lead me anywhere

But if I don't tell you now
I may never get
The chance again
To tell you that
I need you, tell you
What I'm feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don't
Say the words
How will you hear
What's inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don't tell you now

I'd do anything to
Be in your dreams
And I can't stand
Standing by
With this dream
That's inside my heart
Maybe I'm only gonna
Make a mistake
And there's a chance
Maybe my heart will break

How will you know
You're inside my soul
Oh it's driving me crazy
'Cause you don't see,
You're the world to me
I'm so afraid to see
The way that
I feel for you

Oh oh
If I don't tell you now